hais... tis is the 3rd time in my life someone hu cares n trusted mi said "im disappointed with u."
1st time, was when i was p3? its mrs betty... she was my p3 form teacher n she made mi the monitress of the class. she trusted mi alots... always bought mi drinks during recess.. invited mi to go sit at the staff's table.. n toked to mi abt life n all.. i love her veri veri much. but one day in cls i was playing some stupid eraser games in cls wif my clsmate... we anint supposed to... its banned in my pri sch... she saw mi playing n she said.." ql.. im so disappointed with u.. i tot as a monitress u were supposed to stop ur clsmates. but now..." den she walked away... hais...
the 2nd time.. its in secondary sch. its my ex netball teacher in charge, mdm jamilah hu made mi the captain... there was once i had tiffs wif my teammates n all.. n even wanted to resort to violence.. it was them, not mi. but its all our fault aniwaes. i ran to her for help. she told mi abt her in her sec sch n all.. wif the same situations as our team. wif no coach, no support frm HOD n all... ya... i told her i wanted to step dwn as captain cos i couldnt take the pressure... cos my teammates didnt wanted to cooperate whereas i had the motivation to train ourselves well n perharps win a match or two... i had dreams for the team. but they will nv let go of their slacking attitude... i felt very fed-up... feeling very hopeless... all my passion n hope for myself n the team died frm den on. mdm jamilah told mi" if u realy wanna quit all i can sae is im disappointed... n i tot u were the only one tt cud do tis job... n u haf been doing it well..." i cried on the spot.. for your info... touched n yet disappointed wif myself... for not being able to cope, persevere n all...
den tis time... its my cell leader... as i didnt told her abt my relationship until she found out through my blog... she has always told us to be accountable for our own actions. evrytime she says tt since i started my relationship wif him, i will always msg him n tell him i feel so guilty n when r we going to tell our cell leaders. but tt confession thg nv happened.. cos we brk up soon.. ya... i admit... its jus tt i didnt thk properly or even seek LORD b4 i start a relationship... i didnt even ask the opinion of my cell leader. cos im afraid she's against it.. or even be angry wif mi becos of tt. but i noe by not telling her the truth im also making her angry n sad or even disappointed wif mi... she told fi tt she's not angry wif mi, more sad n disappointed tt is... i noe... i made lotsa ppl whom i respect disappointed.. i thk my life or even myself is such a disappointment to myself.
to tell the truth... i haf nv tot tt i could ever be a leader... all these angels in my life jus gave mi a chance to prove myself... however once n again i disappointed them wif my foolish actions... everytime there are exams or watsoever, i wud awaes tell myself to resist the temptation of playing comp n even watching tv during the exam period in order to get good results n not to disappoint my mum. but i've nv suceeded. always falling into the traps of the temptations. trully.. im sure i've made my mum disappointed many times though she nv say it... mayb many are disappointed wif mi but jus to make mi feel better they choose to hide the truth... well... frankly... i hate myself for making so many ppl being worried, sad, disappointed, unhappy wif mi... terrible ql.
Friday, December 17, 2004
